My Kitchen Appliances Think I’m an Idiot

My kitchen appliances must have a pretty low opinion of us humans. They insist on beeping to telegraph their every action, no matter how mundane. I recently discovered how to silence my microwave. Hold the “2” button down for a few seconds. You’re welcome. Why is this a secret “hack” and not in the manual. I have not found such a solution for my air fryer (which I love and I’m not getting rid of, so don’t mention it). I even replaced a coffee maker that beeped so loud and so many times that it woke up the entire house. That’s a real problem for the one morning person living amongst a family of Saturday morning bedbadgers. It’s also, I realize, a giant red flag for affluenza. To my defense, I bought it used and donated it, so some other poor soul can torment their family with it.

My air fryer beeps when I plug it in. When I set the temperature, when I set the time, when I open the door, when I close the door, and then when it stops it beeps at least 5 long beeps that alert NORAD. And then just to further rub it in, it beeps when I open the door to get the food and when I close the door after I’ve gotten the food. I watched myself do each and every one of these acts. I know I did them. I don’t need to be told I did them.

That is where we are though isn’t it? It’s nearly impossible to hide from one’s opinions, acts, foibles, screw-ups, bigotry, racism, narcissism…

Did you really think this was about kitchen appliances? Maybe it is. I don’t know really.

We see your inane mouth noises spouting nonsense solutions of trip wires, turning schools into fortresses of doom, praying away the gunmen, armed teachers (please God no–there’s my hope and prayer), and whatever other beeps emanate from a minority of our population drowning out the rest of us who just want to go into public places without fear of being mowed down by a semi-automatic weapon housing seemingly endless rounds of ammunition. In Minnesota, if I hunt ducks, I’m limited to shotguns that can only hold three shells at a time. We’re willing to accept limits on our “arms” for killing waterfowl, but not humans I guess. And no one ever hunts with an AR-15.

We see and hear you. Every move you make, everything you say, no matter how inane, is forever immortalized on social media of some kind. Now, can we muster the political force to silence this beeping? We’re not idiots. Or maybe we are, because here we are.

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